i summon rj in defense mode – let’s be okay: day 17

I had to fight for my voice to be heard with the way I grew up. I started using a strong defence as my attack to others. I didn’t fight the way they fought. I used my words, my voice.

Guess what kids don’t care for… words. 

This made me very insecure from a young age, I didn’t know how to fight back with my fists or words. So I get flustered VERY easily when I feel I am under attack in a conversation. Natural tick now. It’s part of my anger issues.

When I am with a group of people and I feel like they are turning on me, even in a case of bantery fun. I hate it. I hate every second of it and half of me understands the joke. The other half falls into a spiral of self-depreciation and anxiety. This then turns into a childish form of attack, petty attacks in conversations, my voice becoming louder and louder, inability to think before I speak. I get so built up straight away, I’ve only just managed to get myself to have a breather before getting into anything. That or walking away,

I have even said things I really don’t mean as I want to get the last blow in as I feel that upset with being a butt of a joke.

My anger has always been a joke to others, but it’s not to me. It’s something I find very hard to control as it’s a part of my mental health.  So when people act like I’m stupid for having this, or like I can control it. I feel defeated and go on the offensive. 

More breathers and talking about my feelings should help when this begins. I need to know when the trigger happens in my head when I feel that broken.

Song of the Day: Small – Tessa Violet

a little bit snobby – let’s be okay: day 16

I grew up opposite a council estate. smelling like cigarettes. I had brothers who constantly got in trouble and who lived in council housing with their mother who often had to live with us because of arguing with their mother.

I hated being seen in the same light as them.

I was different to them, not better. Just different. The things I liked, the way I acted. I was the only boy who didn’t do Rugby or Football. I did Gymnastics, I played Violin, I enjoyed reading. 

When people started treating me different because I was cut from the same cloth as my siblings who were always in trouble, I began to hate them. I viewed them as lesser because the world viewed them as lesser. My bullies put into me that they were lesser people and I was being bullied because of their “chaviness”. I really didn’t want to be in the same light as them. 

I look back now and CLEARLY I was blaming the wrong people. This made me grow to be snobby. This made me think I had to be better than them. I look to my brother Jamie now and I see an amazing dad who has fought through so much. He had his first kid at 19, I would fight anyone who said he was a bad dad. I look at my older sister and her daughter who is just the sweetest girl I’ve ever met and I genuinely love them. Amanda felt sad one day and sent me a message on Facebook saying she loved me. I didn’t know if it was for me or not as we never message on Facebook, but I said it back as I do. She told me that Christmas why she did it and my reply meant the world to her. She is such a strong person, but very soft too.

After becoming a teenager and being bullied and ridiculed for my family’ choices, I viewed being a chav as being low-class and below me.

In my adult years, I’ve realised nobody is below me and everyone can surprise you, but clearly somethings are still holding on which I need to work on. People can like what they like, just be a good and honest person. That’s all.

This has all come from a comment in passing about something “chavvy” which @ohitsjustkim called me out on. This actually stopped me and made me think about what i just said. Kim pointed out the stupid things people judge “chavs” on. Thank you, Kim. I needed it. 

Song of the Day – Broken Record – Tessa Violet

change. let’s be okay: days 14 & 15

I can do many things on a whim. I can travel wherever, get a piercing, make bad choices.

I’ve never been able to deal with my hair like that. I get so stressed to the commitment. I love having long hair, it’s the thing that started out the design of the RJ you see now. Tony Hawks Pro Skater. Rock Music. Surfy style. That’s me.

But I know I look better to others with my short puff. My hair is still dealing with the malnutrition I had over Winter so it’s not in the best condition so maybe starting again is a good idea?

This is what I am like, I can fly to Norway on a whim but not book a haircut.

I decided to dye my hair to one colour and then cut my hair short next winter so I don’t have to worry about wind and rain. Good compromise.

I’ve been staying away from my friends a lot lately, but this weekend is me hanging around them for 3 days straight. I feel a lot calmer about this as my anxiety isn’t high. I’m mellowing out. I talked to a friend about how we’ve been and it’s nice to see we are getting better. Things are changing. Some back to the way they were, some to something new.

I made a video for a friend, singing all of the songs he makes new lyrics for into a collection. We drank in a closed bar for his birthday. Then we sang on a stage to an empty crowd  some Hamilton songs. I have work tomorrow.

I fell asleep in a staff room btw.

That was my evening.

Songs of the Days: 
Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – The Police
The Schuyler Sisters – Hamilton

comfort. let’s be okay: day 13

Storm Doris ruined my hair.

That’s how the morning started. Not a good start.

The rest of the day I worked hard and in the quiet moments had lovely chats. Today became comfortable.

Keeping this one simple, no story, no realisation. Today was comfortable.

Song of the Day: A Beautiful Mess – Jason Mraz

enjoy myself. Let’s be okay: day 12

I think I’ve been too obsessed about the opinions of others. Their feelings need to be kept into account with my actions yes, but their opinion on me should not change how I see the things I do.

I heard something recently that stuck with me, I paused and had to figure out why it resonated with me so much.

The world is not an audience that has to listen to me.

I have been shouting for years to be noticed, older brothers and sisters that were always in trouble, always in need of something. So when I got my voice in Media, it felt like people would listen. I could tell people things from my heart and it meant I put myself in EVERY PIECE OF WORK I DID.

If someone didn’t watch, or attacked a part of it or my work ethic. I would be crushed. Like, I was being silenced.

This is not the case and I need to review my work with knowledge that it is flawed and understand that the world does not have to watch my work or me.

Stop letting the idea that “people may not like my work”, or “someone else could do it better”, or “only a few people will watch it so what’s the point” stop me from doing things I love.

Song of the Day: American Boy – Estelle