hidden figures – let’s be okay: day 20

I woke up on the settee with a question, do I want to see Hidden Figures. The answer… YES.

This film about the African-American women of NASA that helped compute calculations and get the IBM system working for future use, was amazing. 3 main characters. 3 stories following them. Each section felt fleshed out and you cared for each of them as individuals. The actors did an amazing job to this story. This film is obviously changing parts and dates of when things happened, but I’m so glad this movie got made.

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Song of the Day: Pharrell Williams – Runnin’ 

I MOVED OUT. let’s be okay – day 19

This will be the only post I write that doesn’t follow the same lowercase title as the other’s because a year ago today I moved out. Also, I am officially out of debt. (Other than paying off my flight to Norway on my credit card but that’s what Tax Rebates are for.)

I am surrounded by love and I need to show it more. With this piece of stress away I can focus on myself more, compared to focusing on how stressed I am all the time. I am like a fire that never goes out. This boy is on fire. This boy be lit. I’M AN ETERNAL FLAME BABY!

yeah, i’d probably be a fire type if i was a pokemon.

A year ago I made the decision to move out from my family home in Swansea and move to “Cardiff” I use that as I’m actually in Caerphilly County Borough/Cardiff/Newport/I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW.

It’s a choice I made irrationally but I learned a lot, got into debt, worked hard and am glad I did it. Like I posted on my personal facebook:

I moved out a year ago today. A decision I made quickly and had very little to support myself on. Quit a job to go three months without another one. Was it stupid? Yes. Would I do it differently it if I could? Not a chance.

Thanks to everyone who has been by my side. ❤

Song of the Day: Hopes & Dreams – Tobyfox
Also, Hopes & Dreams (Remix) – VGR & Jenny

pancake day – let’s be okay: day 18

The goal of today was to eat nothing but pancakes but nutrition is an important factor in life so I failed. My diet isn’t really the best and working in town kinda makes it hard to have a good diet. There’s nowhere that’s cheap but also healthy. It’s why I had to stop being a Vegetarian as all there is in town is… cheese. Lot’s of cheese.

I bought my tickets to go to Norway yesterday, so I’m pretty excited about that. Just worried about the whole… being in a cabin in the woods… with no phone signal… for 4 days.

I might die.

I’ve been posting these blogs later and later, I’ve noticed and I think it’s mainly to do with the fact I am doing okay. I’m feeling pretty rad now, but still want to finish these 30 days as I might feel bad again soon and also, I want to document my days. This is an enjoyable experience.

Song of the Day: – What’s Wrong? – Kat Parson

i summon rj in defense mode – let’s be okay: day 17

I had to fight for my voice to be heard with the way I grew up. I started using a strong defence as my attack to others. I didn’t fight the way they fought. I used my words, my voice.

Guess what kids don’t care for… words. 

This made me very insecure from a young age, I didn’t know how to fight back with my fists or words. So I get flustered VERY easily when I feel I am under attack in a conversation. Natural tick now. It’s part of my anger issues.

When I am with a group of people and I feel like they are turning on me, even in a case of bantery fun. I hate it. I hate every second of it and half of me understands the joke. The other half falls into a spiral of self-depreciation and anxiety. This then turns into a childish form of attack, petty attacks in conversations, my voice becoming louder and louder, inability to think before I speak. I get so built up straight away, I’ve only just managed to get myself to have a breather before getting into anything. That or walking away,

I have even said things I really don’t mean as I want to get the last blow in as I feel that upset with being a butt of a joke.

My anger has always been a joke to others, but it’s not to me. It’s something I find very hard to control as it’s a part of my mental health.  So when people act like I’m stupid for having this, or like I can control it. I feel defeated and go on the offensive. 

More breathers and talking about my feelings should help when this begins. I need to know when the trigger happens in my head when I feel that broken.

Song of the Day: Small – Tessa Violet

a little bit snobby – let’s be okay: day 16

I grew up opposite a council estate. smelling like cigarettes. I had brothers who constantly got in trouble and who lived in council housing with their mother who often had to live with us because of arguing with their mother.

I hated being seen in the same light as them.

I was different to them, not better. Just different. The things I liked, the way I acted. I was the only boy who didn’t do Rugby or Football. I did Gymnastics, I played Violin, I enjoyed reading. 

When people started treating me different because I was cut from the same cloth as my siblings who were always in trouble, I began to hate them. I viewed them as lesser because the world viewed them as lesser. My bullies put into me that they were lesser people and I was being bullied because of their “chaviness”. I really didn’t want to be in the same light as them. 

I look back now and CLEARLY I was blaming the wrong people. This made me grow to be snobby. This made me think I had to be better than them. I look to my brother Jamie now and I see an amazing dad who has fought through so much. He had his first kid at 19, I would fight anyone who said he was a bad dad. I look at my older sister and her daughter who is just the sweetest girl I’ve ever met and I genuinely love them. Amanda felt sad one day and sent me a message on Facebook saying she loved me. I didn’t know if it was for me or not as we never message on Facebook, but I said it back as I do. She told me that Christmas why she did it and my reply meant the world to her. She is such a strong person, but very soft too.

After becoming a teenager and being bullied and ridiculed for my family’ choices, I viewed being a chav as being low-class and below me.

In my adult years, I’ve realised nobody is below me and everyone can surprise you, but clearly somethings are still holding on which I need to work on. People can like what they like, just be a good and honest person. That’s all.

This has all come from a comment in passing about something “chavvy” which @ohitsjustkim called me out on. This actually stopped me and made me think about what i just said. Kim pointed out the stupid things people judge “chavs” on. Thank you, Kim. I needed it. 

Song of the Day – Broken Record – Tessa Violet