i summon rj in defense mode – let’s be okay: day 17

I had to fight for my voice to be heard with the way I grew up. I started using a strong defence as my attack to others. I didn’t fight the way they fought. I used my words, my voice.

Guess what kids don’t care for… words. 

This made me very insecure from a young age, I didn’t know how to fight back with my fists or words. So I get flustered VERY easily when I feel I am under attack in a conversation. Natural tick now. It’s part of my anger issues.

When I am with a group of people and I feel like they are turning on me, even in a case of bantery fun. I hate it. I hate every second of it and half of me understands the joke. The other half falls into a spiral of self-depreciation and anxiety. This then turns into a childish form of attack, petty attacks in conversations, my voice becoming louder and louder, inability to think before I speak. I get so built up straight away, I’ve only just managed to get myself to have a breather before getting into anything. That or walking away,

I have even said things I really don’t mean as I want to get the last blow in as I feel that upset with being a butt of a joke.

My anger has always been a joke to others, but it’s not to me. It’s something I find very hard to control as it’s a part of my mental health.  So when people act like I’m stupid for having this, or like I can control it. I feel defeated and go on the offensive. 

More breathers and talking about my feelings should help when this begins. I need to know when the trigger happens in my head when I feel that broken.

Song of the Day: Small – Tessa Violet

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