i summon rj in defense mode – let’s be okay: day 17

I had to fight for my voice to be heard with the way I grew up. I started using a strong defence as my attack to others. I didn’t fight the way they fought. I used my words, my voice.

Guess what kids don’t care for… words. 

This made me very insecure from a young age, I didn’t know how to fight back with my fists or words. So I get flustered VERY easily when I feel I am under attack in a conversation. Natural tick now. It’s part of my anger issues.

When I am with a group of people and I feel like they are turning on me, even in a case of bantery fun. I hate it. I hate every second of it and half of me understands the joke. The other half falls into a spiral of self-depreciation and anxiety. This then turns into a childish form of attack, petty attacks in conversations, my voice becoming louder and louder, inability to think before I speak. I get so built up straight away, I’ve only just managed to get myself to have a breather before getting into anything. That or walking away,

I have even said things I really don’t mean as I want to get the last blow in as I feel that upset with being a butt of a joke.

My anger has always been a joke to others, but it’s not to me. It’s something I find very hard to control as it’s a part of my mental health.  So when people act like I’m stupid for having this, or like I can control it. I feel defeated and go on the offensive. 

More breathers and talking about my feelings should help when this begins. I need to know when the trigger happens in my head when I feel that broken.

Song of the Day: Small – Tessa Violet

for your health. let’s be okay: day 4

HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU!?

You try to go to bed early but the memes pull you into a void until 1am, so then when you wake up, you feel anxious, groggy and sad?

#relatable #amirite

I thought this mood would linger all day but things changed quickly when I started playing music and running to the train station. Mid-2000s punk and exercise. Whodathought?

I’ve started curating my life a bit more by getting Plant Buddy (Water Drinking App) and MyFitnessPal again. This should help me make better choices.

As it’s only 9am as I’m writing this, this may completely fail later. WHO KNOWS!?

image

I AM DOING SWELL. I’M FOLLOWING MY DIET AND I DRANK LOTS OF WATER! I AM PROUD OF MYSELF!

My confidence came back a bit today, I felt like my old self a bit and I liked that. I think blogging this is SUPER helpful, but we still have 26 more days to go so WHO KNOWS!? I did message someone on Tinder to and if you know me, you know my emotional issues for dating are messed up so this is a very good step for me.

Oh, HMRC let me know I have my tax money coming back to me so that’s VERY NICE! I cancelled a credit card, so I managed my life.

I am realising now that I’m spending more than I should be, like everyday. -coughs-

Things I bought today:
New Camera Lens: £34

Things I ate today:
Breakfast – Coffee & Croissant £1
Lunch – Turkey & Beef Sandwich, Apple and Grape Mix & Water £3
Dinner – Pizza Slice & Burger with Tortilla Chips (Home Food)
Dessert – Two Brownies (Home Food)

Calories – 2000

I really like MyFitnessPal, it’s super helpful.

Song of the Day: I Don’t Want To Be Sad – Simple Plan

I’m a failure. (but it’s okay)

This week I failed to get a job I really wanted.

This job would have had me dealing with a companies social media accounts, photography, a YouTube channel, online analytics and involved me being creative in the ways I usually am on a daily basis. Except this time, getting paid. Failing to get this job has broken my heart and torn me apart, and that’s fine. 

Here’s the thing about failure, it’s something you earn. It’s a badge you gain by trying, and it’s a very important badge. It’s a symbol of honour not a symbol of disgrace. I would rather be known for trying to do the things I wanted and failing than not trying at all. 

“I know how failure tastes, I drink it straight from the carton. I always keep a gallon in the fridge at my apartment to remind me how it feels to drop the ball-” – Watsky | 4AM Monday.

Failure isn’t something you should aim for, we all know that. It’s just a feeling we have to recongnise feels awful, but the quicker we recognise it as a symbol of trying the quicker we can get back up and carry on doing the things we want to.

I have been out of university a year and I have had many successes. I got a job, paid off my debt, moved out, made wonderful friends and even travelled.

Yet, also had many failures, I got back into debt (not as bad), didn’t save as much as I wanted and failed some job interviews.

“I messed up tonight, I lost another fight. I still mess up but I’ll just start again. I keep falling down, I keep on hitting the ground. I always get up now to see what’s next.” – Shakira | Try Everything

Staying determined is hard and isn’t something that comes easy, it comes with days where you’ll scream, cry and yes, even give up. 

Let yourself have those days and think: “I’ll be fine tomorrow or next week. This is just a phase and there is a better day coming.” 

It’s not easy, staying positive takes a lot of practise but talking to others is a great push forward for this or even learning to self soothe by blocking those bad thoughts is an amazing tool to keep pushing yourself forward.