generosity. – let’s be okay: day 6

So, I had Coffee Ice Cream for dessert last night and didn’t sleep until 3.30AM and I have only had 4 hours sleep and I feel like death.

I woke up anxious and when trying to put on a jacket became self conscious about the way I look and was on my way to a panic attack when I just caught it in time.

I haven’t been that close in months to a panic attack so not a good start to the day I will admit. I know I’m going to bed early tonight and relaxing on my day off tomorrow.

Today has become a kind day though, from a Tesco worker opposite work giving me and my colleague free Mars bars, to my friends sending nice and patient messages and even Wetherspoon’s giving me free chips for not having the Flaming Dragon Curry. 

I bought Tom a drink to return the love of the universe and also he’s a sweet heart and deserves it. 

I spent the night with my friends making jokes, and watching TV. These dorks are the love of my life.

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I’ll admit, life has been driving me insane, I’m stressed all the time and tired and feeling depressed again, but I recognise the generosity and love within my life and will always appreciate that.

Song of the Day: Everybody Want To Rule The World – Ninja Sex Party

my straightners made me gay. – let’s be okay: day 5

I slept in. I had 20 minutes to get ready. I did it. I achieved what I thought was impossible.
Shower, Skin care, Dry Hair, Pack Bag and leave.

While drying my hair I looked down to my straightners on my desk. I realised that I’ve nearly had them 10 years and they’re still going strong, it caused me to remember the hair I had when I started using them. It was medium length with blonde streaks and I loved it. Then I remembered why I gave up that hair…

It’s a long story.

March 3rd 2010. It was my friend’s birthday. The first time I had been drinking and really been to this kind of party. We all got pretty drunk for 15 year olds. (There were adults there, we were all safe and all parents consented to us drinking).

After a few drinks, my friend went to lie down, after a while I went to go check on him. He was okay, he had water and was sobering up. Whilst we were there chatting, one thing led to another and we kissed. Just a simple kiss. Nothing passionate, a simple drunk kiss.

As a 15 year old boy who was out as bisexual with only a few people knowing my sexuality this was big for me
My first boy kiss. I went outside and my friend saw me in the hallway. In my drunken attitude I told him what happened and it spread to the rest of the party. Most knew about my sexuality, others I felt okay knowing anyway. The party went on and then school came the Monday after.

Things were coming back in That’s So Raven like visions to everyone. I knew about mine and my friend’s kiss, but knew it was nothing. Some people referenced it in the group but it was pretty low key. (Which I respect the group for.)

Then someone out of the group noticed is whispering, this person could be okay 50% of the time and I wasn’t sure if we should tell them. The rest of the group felt comfortable and that made me feel okay. So I spilt the beans. Looking back now I know it wasn’t only my choice to make and I shouldn’t have told people at the party in the first place without him being okay with it.

The news spread… RJ AND FRIEND KISSED! THEY’RE GAY! GAY BOYS!!!!

Typical Year 11 reaction to the news. He is straight. I am bisexual. People were ripping him a new one and I couldn’t let that happen. He was a good friend and I decided that the best thing to do was come out to everyone. So in front of the break room we used with a big collection of people from my year, people were calling me gay and I said to the ring leader.

“Stop bullying him as he’s not gay. I’m bisexual. “

Time stopped. Everyone shut up for two maybe three seconds. Then the room roared into laughter. The break buzzer went and I started walking toward class. I remember walking into the hall and not being able to look at anyone as I could hear laughing, I wasn’t even sure if anyone was laughing after I left. I went to class and carried on with my day with people making jokes and hating on me.

This continued for days. Well, really until I left school but there was one comment about my hair… my hair was a giveaway or something along those lines. I went home that day and looked in a mirror and said to my Dad to shave it off. 

So he did. My mum didn’t like my long hair as my short hair reminded her of me as a child, my dad didn’t really mind as he encouraged me and my sister to be different if we wanted to be. (He wasn’t happy when I got my lip pierced though… that’s another story.)

I went to prom with this hair in May, I spent the summer with it at the beach. It was the last time I had a Number 4 buzz cut from my dad. I shaved it off because I became ashamed of who I was, it made me go back into the closet during the summer before college not to come back out until my third year of University as I knew if I didn’t come out then, I never would. 

This time I’m glad I did. 

The reason I don’t like my hair too short is as it feels like I’m back to that version of me who hid himself. It feels like I’m not who I really am. I’m a guy who likes men and women. 

I’m okay with that.

Song of the Day: twenty one pilots – The Judge

Food I ate: 
Roast Chicken Salad Sandwich
Sweet and Salted Popcorn 
Brownie
Coffee
Enchilada’s

Things I bought

Meal Deal – £3
Coffee: £1
Chewing Gum: £0.80

a pause. – let’s be okay – day 3

X Infinity is such a good album okay guys, like… it’s so well made.

It’s not my favourite Watsky album but it’s definitely the best produced and has some of the greatest themes of any Watsky album to date.

Today was a pause. I had work and I felt good. I still have moments of internal anger at things in my life but we are only 3 days in and trying to heal a fundamental issue in my life I’ve had since I was a child, in which the only way I could get people to notice me was clawing my way through things with anger and over bearing passion.

Yeah, we can fix that in 3 days!

Today being a good day means everything to me right now, I went to IKEA which is a literal haven to me. It’s like walking around the place and seeing everything organised and everything clean actually soothes my soul. (also, laughing at IKEA names. @isjustforshiggles told me about Tarta Blabar.

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Money I spent:
Uber: £8
IKEA: £11 (Coffee Press, Candle, Pots, Dustpan and Brush)
ASDA: Weekly Shop £20

Not good on the saving money.

Food:
A lot of junk I am not going to blog about as that will make me sad.

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But what made me happy today is that I felt good in my outfit.

Song of the Day: Watsky’s Lovely Thing Suite. All 4 parts.